Navigating Father’s Day with a Complex Parental Relationship

Father's Day is often depicted as a time of celebration, a day to honor the fathers who have shaped our lives with love, guidance, and support. However, for many, this day can bring a mix of emotions, especially for those who have experienced strained or painful relationships with their fathers. This complexity is exacerbated by issues such as little to no access to therapy for our parents, the severe stigma around mental health, (when they were younger and the world was a much different place), and the grief that stems from choosing to protect oneself by limiting contact with a parent.

Growing up in an ultra-orthodox cult, my relationship with Father's Day was unconventional, to say the least. The rigid doctrines and insular lifestyle left little room for such secular celebrations. The first time I bought a Father's Day card, it felt almost so sweet with difference, a small act of otherness in a life dictated by strict religious rules. It was unusual, and perhaps even frowned upon, but it was my way of connecting to a world outside the confines of the community I was raised in. For the most part, my parents indulged my sweet moments of difference.

Growing up, my father was the first person I turned to for advice or knowledge about the world. He was my primary source of information and wisdom, a role that left a significant void in my life when our relationship became too strained to continue in mid-2017. As a child, I admired his seemingly endless knowledge and guidance, but as I grew older, I began to see the disturbing patterns of his behavior. These patterns, while not always meant to be hurtful, were often damaging and difficult to reconcile with the image of the father I once idolized.

The journey of understanding my father’s behavior has been fraught with discomfort and sadness. It's challenging to see the disturbing aspects of someone you once saw as a pillar of strength and guidance. This brings up an important question: how do we as a society choose to care for people who never received the chance or support to heal themselves and develop healthy coping skills?

Our parents’ generation often had little access to therapy or mental health support. The severe stigma surrounding mental health issues meant that seeking help was rarely considered an option. Consequently, many of our parents never learned to process their traumas or develop healthy ways to cope with their emotions. This lack of support not only affected their lives but also trickled down to ours, shaping our experiences and relationships. One might contend that the world has changed and our parents can now access all kinds of therapy, and that argument is technically right. But. But I know for myself how set in my ways and bad habits I am and how excruciatingly difficult it is to change habits or behaviors in one's life. So I understand if our parents find healing work too much out of their comfort level, or at least the level of healing work that we would like to see.

When faced with the harmful behaviors of our parents, it can be tempting to cast them aside with disdain. It’s a natural reaction to protect ourselves from further harm. However, this approach doesn’t address the root of the issue or contribute to healing. Alternatively, showing up with gentle guidance and love for those who hurt us, often without intention, presents a more compassionate path. It’s a delicate balance: protecting oneself while offering understanding and support. This approach can feel like enabling bad behavior, but it’s more about setting healthy boundaries while still acknowledging their humanity. I am in NO way condoning bad behavior or violence and anyone being ok with it. Instead, I wonder if we can look at these behaviors with understanding and compassion and establish firm boundaries. Not for our parents (or those that hurt us, but for ourselves.)

For me, navigating this balance has been an ongoing process. It's about recognizing my father’s limitations and the circumstances that shaped him, while also protecting my own mental and emotional well-being. It’s about grieving the loss of the father I wished for and accepting the reality of the father I have. This grief is real and valid, a complex mix of love, disappointment, and longing.

Father's Day, then, becomes a time of reflection rather than celebration. It’s a day to honor the good memories and acknowledge the pain, to remember that our parents are human, shaped by their own experiences and traumas. It’s also a day to appreciate the resilience it takes to navigate these complex relationships and the strength required to carve out a healthier path for ourselves.

As a society, we need to create spaces for healing and understanding, both for ourselves and for those who came before us. We must challenge the stigma around mental health and advocate for better access to therapy and support. By doing so, we can break the cycle of unhealed trauma and build a foundation of healthier relationships for future generations.

In the end, Father's Day can be a reminder of our collective need for compassion, understanding, and healing. It’s about finding a balance between self-protection and empathy, and ultimately, about striving for a world where everyone has the support they need to heal and thrive.

If you are lucky enough to have a good relationship with your dad or aren't but still want to acknowledge his impact or presence in your life, here are some Father’s Day Gift Ideas

Despite the complexities of our relationships, Father’s Day can also be an opportunity to extend a thoughtful gesture through a gift. Here are some ideas that might resonate, whether you have a close or a more distant relationship with your dad:

1. Books: If your father enjoys reading, a book in a genre he loves can be a thoughtful gift. Consider something that aligns with his interests, whether it’s fiction, history, or self-help.

2. Personalized Items: Customized gifts like engraved keychains, personalized mugs, or photo books can provide a personal touch and a way to share memories. This is a guided journal for dads to share their life story. Expectant father? Consider getting this onesie as a gift. And of course, one can never have too many mugs.

3. Practical Gadgets: Tools, tech gadgets, or hobby-related equipment can be great for dads who enjoy practical or tech-savvy gifts. This phone/tablet holder has a wireless speaker.

4. Experiences: Consider gifting an experience, such as a ticket to a sports game, a cooking class, or a museum membership. Experiences can create lasting memories and provide a chance to bond.

5. Self-Care Items: Quality grooming products, a comfortable robe, or a subscription to a wellness box can be a gentle reminder for him to take care of himself. A massager such as this one is always a good idea.

6. Homemade Gifts: Sometimes, the most meaningful gifts are those made by hand. Whether it’s a homemade meal, a knitted scarf, or a piece of art, these gifts show thoughtfulness and effort.

No matter the gift, the intention behind it can convey your appreciation and thoughtfulness, acknowledging the complex layers of your relationship.

#fathersday #selfreflection #generationaltrauma #healing #mentalhealth