The Best Recommendation Isn't Always the One I'd Choose
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Over the years, friends have asked me for my opinion and help picking things out.
"Which one would you choose?"
"Does this look good?"
"Can you help me decide?"
Not because I know better.
Not because I have better taste.
But because sometimes another perspective is helpful.
A few years ago, one of my friends who was early in their trans journey began experimenting with femme clothes. Watching someone build a wardrobe that finally felt like them was something I'd never really witnessed before, and it taught me far more than I expected. In the beginning, they'd often turn to me and ask me what I thought looked good, or which pieces I'd choose.
At first, it felt really nice being trusted with such an important task-not to mention a lot of fun!
All of the shopping, none of the financial strain!
What could be better?
And shop I did.
In the beginning, when I had free rein to pick for them, I chose from the only perspective I knew. As they became more confident in what they liked and began building a wardrobe that felt authentic to them, I noticed something interesting. They were no longer asking me to recreate my wardrobe. They were asking me to help build theirs.
I grew up with a mom who dressed us beautifully, and I absorbed her taste and fashion rules without even realizing it. Certain colors "worked." Certain outfits "matched." Certain things just looked "right." Except... That wasn't universal. That was simply what I had been taught was good and beautiful. I don't think I realized how much of my taste wasn't actually mine.
It was inherited. Beautiful, but not my own.
Once I understood that, I realized my friend no longer needed me to choose their clothes for them; they needed me to cheer them on as they figured out their own style. They weren't asking me to recreate my sense of fashion. They were asking me to help them become more themselves.
That experience changed the way I think about giving recommendations. Instead of trying to hand someone an answer, I started to show them how I think. It's about opening a little window into how you think.
Why does this catch my eye?
Why do I think these colors work together?
Why do I think this one is better quality?
The recommendation isn't just the product.
It's the thought process behind it.
These days, instead of saying,
"This is the one you should buy,"
I'm more likely to say,
"Here's the one I'd probably choose, and here's why."
Then I encourage them to trust their own instincts too.
Sometimes they end up choosing exactly what I suggested.
Sometimes they choose something completely different.
And honestly? Both outcomes feel like a success.
By showing them my process and explaining some of the things I tend to look for, they end up learning enough to take over the shopping.
I learned that giving advice isn't about getting someone to become more like me. It's about helping them become more like themselves.
That lesson has stayed with me ever since, and it still shapes the way I help friends shop today.
That same friend now has a much stronger sense of their own style, and recently reached out to me.
They already own two pairs of shoes from FOWT and absolutely love them. They wanted to add two more pairs to their collection. One of the pairs they were considering was this chunky loafer:
Then they said:
"If you find any other styles or patterns that you think I'd like, please let me know."
I have to admit...
I was excited.
Not because I got to choose for them.
Because I got to share my perspective.
One of my favorite things about making recommendations is getting to let someone borrow my way of seeing for a little while. Sometimes I'll notice a color combination, a shape, or a possibility that simply hadn't occurred to someone else. Sometimes they love it. Sometimes they don't. But I love that moment where two different ways of seeing the world meet.
After reviewing their top picks, I explored the rest of the company's inventory. I looked at the choices the way I usually do: partly based on instinct, partly based on what I know about my friend, partly on comfort and style, and partly on reviews. I am so glad that I did.
Because... hello?!?!
How beautiful are these shoes?
Here are the three pairs that immediately caught my eye.
T-Strap Mary Janes
Always a classic and always a statement.
Easy Flats
Modern botanical print that feels playful without being over-the-top.
Chunky Pumps
Sleek pumps that easily go from work... to date night... to a special occasion.
Definitely check out the entire collection if these picks excite you as much as they did me. They even have boots
and booties!
All of the styles come in multiple colors and designs.
One thing I especially appreciate about this company is that it carries many of its styles in extended sizes, especially below size 5/6 and above size 11/12. Finding stylish shoes in larger sizes can be incredibly difficult. That challenge affects a lot of people, including many trans women.
My friend wears a women's size 14 and has been really happy with the two pairs she already owns.
I would absolutely love to see FOWT continue expanding their inventory even further, and I'd love to see more companies do the same.
Everyone deserves the opportunity to choose shoes because they love them, not because they're simply the only ones available in their size.
If you've ordered from FOWT, especially if you wear extended sizes, I'd love to hear how they've held up and whether the sizing felt accurate.
While browsing, I also fell upon these nifty little no-show socks for those of us who hate wearing shoes without anything on our feet but don't like anything peeking out! This one is a multi-color pack, but they have multiple options for colors.
One thing to know: These currently only go up to a women's size 12. I'm still including them because I think they'd be a great choice for many people who wear smaller sizes.
That doesn't mean I stop having opinions.
If I think something is poor quality, I'll say so.
If I've personally loved something, I'll share that too.
If reviews point out something important, I'll mention it.
But I've stopped trying to convince people to choose what I would choose.
This whole experience reminded me why I enjoy helping friends shop.
It's never really about finding "the right" product.
It's about sharing perspectives, exploring possibilities, and helping someone discover what feels most like themselves.
Looking back, I think that's why the best recommendation isn't always the one I'd choose.
It's the one that helps someone become a little more themselves.
I'd love to hear from you.
Has someone ever helped you discover your own style or taught you to trust your own instincts a little more?
Sometimes the best recommendations aren't about the product at all.
They're about helping someone feel a little more like themselves.
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